


99 Reasons Why Greg and Heather Break Up

by angelica, yumytaffy



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV)
Genre: F/M, Lists, but not technically a fic?, but this is just insanity, crackfic, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6667801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelica/pseuds/angelica, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumytaffy/pseuds/yumytaffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>99 Reasons Why Greg and Heather Break Up</p><p>(Or how yumytaffy and angelica lost their minds during the winter hiatus. The finale didn't help.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	99 Reasons Why Greg and Heather Break Up

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure insanity, read at your own risk.  
> It kinda makes sense by the end.
> 
> This was written during the winter hiatus, so any similarities to actual plots are just weirdly coincidental. Also, we want to say we _love_ Heather. She’s the best of all of us (well, her and White Josh, Darryl, and Father Brah). Our love for Bartender Hans is also well-established. We show our love through merciless teasing. This is just a bit of silliness because that’s how we do.

  1. Heather hits her head and gets amnesia, completely forgetting who Greg is.
  2. Heather realizes Greg is too old for her.
  3. Greg calls Heather "Rebecca" while they're getting busy.
  4. Greg doesn't understand emojis, and that's all Heather texts.
  5. Rebecca gets magically pregnant with Greg's baby. No one can explain why, and Heather believes neither of them.
  6. Heather wakes up in the middle of the night and just moves away.
  7. Greg realizes he has feelings for Josh.
  8. Heather realizes she's into Josh even though they've never met.
  9. Greg joins an improv group. Heather is having none of that.
  10. Heather hates the fact that Greg can sing.
  11. Heather goes to Burning Man and never comes back.
  12. Greg makes a comment on Heather's short shorts. Heather hits him on the head. He dies.
  13. Sharknado happens. Heather gets eaten by a shark.
  14. Greg gets super drunk, doesn't realize he goes to the wrong house, and gets into Rebecca's bed instead of Heather's.
  15. Greg totally wasn't drunk in #14.
  16. Giant sinkhole swallows up Greg or Heather. Doesn't matter which one.
  17. Heather decides she is asexual. Greg can't live without sex.
  18. It is all in Rebecca's head, so it doesn’t even matter if Greg and Heather are dating.
  19. Heather learns she's allergic to black shirts.
  20. Greg's gets too into body-building. Heather doesn’t like the changes in his body.
  21. Heather falls in love with the giant fish.
  22. Greg is already in love with the giant fish.
  23. Heather cuts Greg's hair when he is asleep.
  24. Greg gets trapped in one of Rebecca's musical numbers.
  25. Greg gets into business school out of state and moves away.
  26. Heather is in it for the money, then learns that Greg is broke.
  27. Heather gets into business school out of state. Greg dies from jealousy.
  28. Papa Serrano doesn't like Heather.
  29. Greg learns Heather lives with ten roommates and cannot deal.
  30. Heather suggests that they turn their love triangle with Rebecca into a threesome. Greg is scared.
  31. Heather suggests that they turn their love triangle with Rebecca into a threesome. Greg is into it. Heather was just testing him, though, and he fails.
  32. Heather is actually a robot.
  33. Heather falls into a Lifetime Movie spiral and tries to live her life in tropes. Greg doesn't understand the concept of happiness.
  34. Heather is sick and about to die. She hates _A Walk to Remember,_ so she decides to just die and doesn’t tell anyone.
  35. Greg has a gambling debt he can't pay off. He fakes his death.
  36. Heather is actually a con woman who is running from the law.
  37. Italian mafia kills them both.
  38. Aliens take over the earth and make Heather their queen. The aliens try to make Greg their jester.
  39. Heather visits a haunted house and falls in love with a ghost.
  40. Heather was a ghost all along.
  41. Heather finds out that Greg is really into _The Bachelor_.
  42. Greg goes on _Maury_ and finds out he's a father.
  43. Heather doesn't cry during the first ten minutes of _Up_ , and it scares Greg.
  44. They attempt to assemble an Ikea cabinet together and turn on each other.
  45. Greg says the dress is blue and black. Heather says it’s white and gold.
  46. Heather loves _Star Trek_ and only tolerates _Star Wars_. Greg is horrified.
  47. Heather is a spy sent to infiltrate Home Base, which is actually a front for a drug ring.
  48. Rebecca and Greg’s daughter from the future visits Greg. He breaks up with Heather on the spot.
  49. Greg finds out that Heather is actually a hoarder.
  50. Heather is actually 99 years old, sparkles in the sun, and likes watching him sleep.
  51. Heather is dating five other guys at the same time. Greg can’t handle that.
  52. Heather thinks West Covina is the best city on earth.
  53. Greg is allergic to peanuts; she loves peanut butter.  
  54. Heather finds out that she’s a natural musical performer and leaves Greg for Broadway.
  55. Greg gets into furniture-making and dedicates his life to building chairs while living in a cabin in the woods.
  56. Heather secretly writes an Abnormal Psych paper on Greg. He finds out when it gets published, and she becomes world-renowned for her findings.
  57. Greg gets sucked into a video game, _Tron_ -style.
  58. A giant boulder takes out Home Base and everyone in it.
  59. A psychic tells Heather she's destined to be with literally anyone but Greg.
  60. Heather has a sex dream about her ex-boyfriend during the first night Greg sleeps over.
  61. Zombie apocalypse breaks out; Heather becomes one of the first victims.
  62. Greg loves ice cream, and Heather is lactose intolerant.
  63. Heather goes on a Mars mission and gets left behind.
  64. Heather decides to go vegan. Greg has PTSD-flashbacks.
  65. Greg’s mother asks him to break up with Heather.
  66. Heather begins an affair with her new professor.
  67. It turns out that Heather is the lost heir of a kingdom and is required to marry a royal.
  68. Heather’s seven evil exes try to kill Greg in a comic book fashion.
  69. Greg and Heather find out they're distant cousins.
  70. Greg is actually a Russian sleeper agent.
  71. Heather and Greg join competing dance crews and develop an animosity towards each other.
  72. Heather gets a dog and realizes the dog is more fun to be around than Greg.
  73. White Josh uses Rebecca and Greg to practice his wedding officiating skills and accidentally marries them for real.
  74. A witch turns Greg into a beast. Heather is not into bestiality.
  75. A witch turns Greg into a beast. Heather is super into it, which freaks Greg out.
  76. Greg and Rebecca get caught in the pouring rain and make out (as you do), and Heather sees them.
  77. Valencia likes Heather. Greg cannot deal.
  78. Greg finds out Heather is only dating him for a social experiment.
  79. Heather discovers Greg’s secret Green Card marriage.
  80. Greg and Heather get separated in an Ikea and never find each other again.
  81. Hector tries to prove that it's okay to eat Pop Rocks and drink soda at the same time. Greg doesn't stop him and goes to jail for accessory to murder when Hector’s stomach explodes.
  82. Greg decides to marathon every episode of _Doctor Who_ starting from the 1960s. Heather doesn't see him for weeks, assumes he died, and moves on with her life.
  83. Heather is literally the only person Josh doesn't like. Greg takes it as a sign.
  84. Greg finds out that Heather’s hair is a wig.
  85. Heather finds out that Greg’s hair is a wig.
  86. Greg starts wearing a hat, thinking it’s cool. Heather doesn’t think it’s cool.
  87. After watching _The Wire_ , Greg starts talking with a terrible Baltimore accent. Heather does not have the patience for that.
  88. Heather gets arrested for growing weed in her house.
  89. Greg starts parkouring and breaks his neck.
  90. Greg thinks that maybe Scientology isn’t a terrible idea.
  91. Heather finds out that Greg thinks Tami Taylor from _Friday Night Lights_ is annoying. Heather is horrified.
  92. Greg drags Heather to a Billy Joel concert, and she never forgives him for it.
  93. Heather is so annoyed by Greg’s snoring that she smothers him in his sleep.
  94. Weeks into dating, Greg realizes that Heather never learned his name.
  95. Greg finds out that Heather is into EDM. Super into EDM. It’s kind of a problem how into EDM she is.
  96. Heather meets Hector and falls in love with him instead
  97. Heather catches feels for Greg. Greg can’t deal.
  98. Heather realizes Greg still hasn’t moved on from Rebecca.
  99. Rebecca and Greg get their shit together and realize they’re soulmates.




End file.
